My first guest post from my wife, Rev. Jenifer Stuelpe Gibbs!
A consistent topic has floated through my social media the last few days. The topic has been covered through cartoons, memes, jokes and even a Saturday Night Live (tv show) skit. Some are incredibly funny and made me giggle. All of them make light of difficult conversations which might arise when families gather during the holidays. Most joke about how to shut those conversations down, ignore them, or evade them so as to “survive” the holidays. The jokes are funny because they point to a deeper truth, which is that holidays aren’t always easy for everyone and relationships can be messy.
What struck me was this; every form of media commended not ever having the hard conversations. There are certainly times not to have the conversations. The truth is, not everything requires a conversation. But avoidance of hard conversations seems to be a trend and now the norm. We’ve all done it.
We make the conscious choice to avoid conversations for the usual reasons. First, it’s far easier to blame someone. That blame can easily turn to gossip and complaining. Second, we don’t want to offend anyone or upset the waters. Many of us have had hurtful experiences with conflict and don’t want to endure that again. We fear the other person won’t see it our way, won’t give us an apology we think is due, or will simply react badly. Also, not many of us feel particularly equipped with tools to work through hard conversations. Third, hard conversations make us vulnerable. Both because of our past experiences and also because by doing so, we expose ourselves to things we don’t want to experience –hurt, disappointment, shame, failure, anger, and other people’s imperfections as well as our own. So we protect ourselves. These reasons apply at work, church, but I imagine particularly with our families. There is some gain to avoiding hard conversations, but what is the cost?
The cost is brokenness. Moments ruined by resentment. Hearts and relationships cracked and broken. And brokenness between a couple or few then affects a group. Have you ever been at a dinner table with a couple folks who have unresolved issues? The entire dinner party feels the tension. No one can gobble their food fast enough to excuse themselves from the table! The conversation avoidance that preserves us or the peace for a moment runs the risk of turning to brokenness. That brokenness ultimately turns to loss. We lose joy, peace, relationship, growth and connectedness when we avoid hard conversations. This is why a major theme of the Bible, and the reason Christ came, was reconciliation. To heal separation and brokenness. God invites us toward life. That life is found in following Christ.